Have you taken the time to see what brought you the success that you’ve achieved? Probably not, because who you are and what you do comes naturally to you. It’s like asking fish whether they are aware of the water they swim in.
Here’s a list of possible traits you have:
Easily take on responsibility, whether it’s at work or among friends. If something needs doing. You do it. You don’t hold back.
You know what’s needed before anyone asks. Such as offering a friend a covering because she’s reacting to the unexpected chill in the air.
You work hard. You do what needs to be done rather than waiting for others to do it.
Others’ needs are your focus. Even if there’s something you need to do or you’re already exhausted, you step up.
Others see your competence, reliability, and dependability, which may bring you recognition and praise. All is well in this setup.
If you’re reading this, it’s because the years of success are beginning to show up as exhaustion, or overwhelm and perhaps even resentment. You realize that it’s very difficult to say no. Some part of you wonders, is this all there is? You can feel the emptiness of the cup from which you’ve been endlessly giving.
A recent client with a very successful business in New York City needed to attend to her health because of an unexpected diagnosis of cancer. She stopped actively participating in her business to attend to her physical well-being, and yet still sees her pattern clearly. “I give and I give. I can’t stop giving.”
Her identity, expressed in her success at work and with friends and family, subconsciously drives her. In addition, like other successful women, other patterns were adopted, such as super self-reliance, perfectionism, and people-pleasing.
A personal example: my children came to visit me for my birthday. I found myself awake at 3 am, trying to figure out how we could plan the day so everyone’s needs were met. It wasn’t about celebrating me. Have you found yourself unable to sleep at night because of a messy situation in your family or at work that you felt responsible for resolving?
Unable to stop being the Fixer, you pay a price when you can’t sleep enough, without worrying about the needs of others.
From my view, the patterns that brought success were created as survival patterns, not ones to help you thrive. They were created in early childhood wounds when the child was ignored, rejected, abandoned, abused, or unseen enough that she felt alone. Afraid.
Even in the “best” of homes with “great” parents, a child experiences wounds because all parents are human and cannot be present all of the time. There is illness, money stress, too many siblings…times to experience being invisible. And there are those who grew up with alcohol, angry, stressed, fighting parents, where the pain of the adults spilled onto their children.
One of my clients spoke about being the oldest among her siblings. Her parents were married too young, pregnant with her. When she came on the scene, there was no capable parent available, so she took charge. Psychology calls this the parentified child. She became the needed “adult” for her siblings and parents.
Regardless of your circumstances, your young child took the blame for what she never did receive. She gained the impression that there must be something wrong with her—she wasn’t “good enough,” not deserving of the love, attention, protection, and care a young, vulnerable child needed. And she carried the belief of low self-esteem her whole life, not understanding how her years of demonstrated competence and achievements didn’t eradicate this lack of self-worth.
If love and protection weren’t there, she feels abandoned or betrayed, and she “concludes” that she deserves to be alone (and afraid). No anger. No grief. Such responses were buried. Throughout her life, no matter whether there are people around her or not, she’s in her cocoon of safety, feeling alone but somehow safer than revealing herself to others.
In such painful times, trauma parts are created with the commitment to help the child survive. These hold the beliefs and strategies to help her make sense of her life.
And she found that these strategies worked. What she did reduced conflicts. It brought approval. When she took care of people’s needs, they seemed happier. When she wasn’t too emotional and was “good,” she contributed to family peace.
She felt she had control. It brought her a sense of safety.
And then decades later, the Fixer experiences the emotional and/or physical pain of being overly responsible, over-giving, feeling trapped by obligations, disconnected from her heart’s desires and longings.
And yet, through reading this, a light has been turned on. The problem is not that you care too much.
The problem is that somewhere along the way, caring became carrying.
You began carrying responsibilities, emotions, and outcomes that were never yours to hold. What once helped you survive is now asking to be examined, understood, and gently released.
You are now aware.
“Awareness is like the sun. When it shines on things, they are transformed.”—Thich Nhat Hanh
Notice now whether once the light has been turned on your inner world, whether you feel bad: guilty or ashamed. Remember that your inner children were created to help you survive. And they did an excellent job.
Now notice your judgment or emotional responses are you read this post. This awareness of what is happening in your inner world is how you begin to have the capacity to make different choices. You cannot change what you cannot see.
It’s time to connect to your heart’s stirring about wanting more from your life.
It is time to listen to the quiet stirrings of your own heart.
Beneath the responsibilities, obligations, and endless doing, there is a part of you longing for something more. More peace. More freedom. More joy. More authenticity.
The question is no longer, “What does everyone else need from me?”
The question becomes, “What is true for me?”
It takes courage, commitment, and curiosity to move from seeing what is to choosing between the fear that’s governed you to choose the love your heart longs for.
Consider: You can still care, without carrying that isn’t yours to carry.
You can help without rescuing.
You can begin spending time with yourself to see your inner world.
It’s the beginning of transformation. A transformation that results in seeing your worth in who you are and not what you do for others.
You can begin by taking one step:
Ask yourself, what one person do I feel responsible for?
Or, where am I carrying something that does not belong to me?
